My Mother
“Girl, who is your mama?, is what one man asked as we exchanged comments on a post about womanhood and what I believe it should look like. He asked in response to the fact that he had never heard a woman in my age group speak the way I was speaking. Although I’ve had any examples of woman hood, I contribute most of my influence to Denise, my mother. My mother raised me to be a strong independent black woman, not to need no man. I remember her saying these men can’t be dependent on blah, blah, blah. My mom didn’t teach me to have the mindset that I have now. It was impossible of her to do so as she did not posses this mindset. Sometimes we learn the most valuable lessons by observing our parents in what not to do.
Watching my mom not receive the love that she wanted was heart breaking. Living with my mom while she struggled emotionally and physically in relationships became soul crushing. I knew my mom would be taken advantage of again at some point. She did not see her own worth. This led to her accepting anything, even when she did not deserve ill treatment. My mom was an incredible woman, but I knew early in life she got in her own way. Now that I am grown, I’m able to separate the difference between my mother and her as a woman. Now I’m able to have a conversation with her about why, I don’t want to be that.
I’m the type of person that I can learn from you being burned by the stove, without me ever touching it and getting burned by the same stove. I know I don’t want to touch the stove because, when you touched it, it was hot and hurt. I watched your hand blister and cause pain and discomfort. I watched the long healing process as those blisters popped, drained and scraped over. Although this is an analogy, the concept can be applied to watching your greatest influence be burned by relationship choices that we know should have been avoided.
My father
My father is no different. He is an incredible man. As he child, I was blessed by the fact that he is very much a provider and a protector, but he doesn’t understand how to give the intangibles qualities that a wife would require. He is stubborn as hell! And he is a man that subscribes to the ideology of, “I’m paying all the bills, so you do what I say.” He doesn’t know how to be a partner or execute teamwork. He doesn’t know how to take other people in consideration. My dad is an incredible dad but a not so great husband.
He’s an incredible dad, but he doesn’t know how to be with a woman. It’s has to be his way or no way. And without telling all my people’s business, they’re stuck in an old school mindset. Unfortunately, that generation of men and women born in the 60’s and 70’s, that we know as our parents, often find it hard to adjust away from their traditions. Their way of life is their comfort, even if it does not serve them well.
I’m looking at my parents have a life now that they really wish they didn’t have. Instead of me following in their footsteps, I’m able to say, “They did the best they could with what they were taught. I know for a fact their parents were the same way! I decided years ago that I would need to come in and break the generational curses that have cycled through my family for like three or four generations. And if I have to do the opposite of what they did, which could lead to not having their blessing because that’s not what they’re used to, then so be it.”
So, my mom is an incredible woman. My dad is an incredible man. They did the best that they could, with the circumstances, knowledge, and the education that was afforded to them. But now, it’s time for me to take the reins and readjust the course so that my children have the emotional intelligence that the generation before me lacked. I am raising two young men and they will be prepared to honor, cherish, and love a woman. This will happen in my family because I am striving to be the type of woman that garners the love from a man that my boys can follow as an example. These two young kings of mine will be prepared and ready to be providers and protectors while also pouring into a woman’s spirit. So, that’s who my mama was. She is a woman who directly and indirectly molded me into the woman I am today and I am beyond grateful!